The 7 Deadly Sins of Falling in Like: Epilogue

So, we've reached the end of our first guest post series. I hope that you've enjoyed this series as much as I have! If you missed all of the previous posts, scroll to the bottom of this post and follow the links before you read the epilogue. Finally, don't forget to like my facebook page if you would like to see more of Practical Cookie! Now, your epilogue...

Epilogue

And so those are the seven deadly sins. Read it, read it again and think about them. Think about them in others and yourself. Think about when it has all gone wrong and try to look back within the context of what I have just wrote about. I really hope it helps some of you out there. 

In the end the sins are nothing more than a tool to letting you be yourself. There really are no such things as reachers and settlers. There are just people who are in the right place and people who are in the wrong place, and, within and around that, people who are right for you and people who are wrong for you. It is sad how much the two get lost within each other. We all long to meet the right person in the right place, but maybe the right person in the wrong place really is worth fighting for.

I think over years I've lost a certain respect of the intelligence and insight of others. I had become so lost in how to get someone to like me, preparing for the worse and scrambling at avoiding that eventuality that the cycle became self-fulfilling. I failed first by never really taking the time to think through their own mind space and needs, and putting them before my own. Secondly I failed by never really given anyone the chance to just like me. 

Maybe I am too hard on myself. I have courage for days and an unquenchable ability to hope. At this time of life we should be allowed to like who we want to like, and spurn those who we want to spurn, but equally as much we should be allowed to fight for who we want to fight for. We need only be ruthless in questioning why we like someone, why we’ve spurned someone, and why we want to fight and how. 
In the end it is always in our own hands. There is always a path that would have worked out with a right person. We are responsible for the outcome, and, to quote Emerson, we should not weakly try to reconcile ourselves with the world. We are the captains of our fate. We are the masters of our souls.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

For those who managed to miss the entire series, here's a round-up of all of the Guest Posts for this series.

Intro
Sympathy
Relationship Perks
Grand Gestures
The Word Love
Guilty Cornering
Private Parts
Non-Verbal Leakage

* I have not been able to find the sources of all images used in this series to credit them properly, so if you see an image and it has not been properly credited, please let me know so I can give credit where credit is due.

The 7 Deadly Sins of Falling in Like: Non-Verbal Leakage

Last but not least, the 7th Deadly Sin of Falling In Like. Perhaps not something to be avoided at all times, but definitely something to be used with care!
If you missed the other posts in this series, click on the links below:
Intro, Sympathy, Relationship Perks, Grand Gestures, The Word Love, Guilty Cornering and Private Parts

Non-Verbal Leakage

I wanted to leave this sin to the last because I am really not entirely sold on it being completely bad. It is a tool, like any other, but a dangerous one that needs to be handled with care.

When the worse comes to worst, when the lines of communication break down and no matter how hard we try, no matter how pure the intention is or the message trying to be sent is, the point comes when there is just no way to get through. A lot of us get to this point and things get desperate. The two best options are to either give up, or dig deep. In and among these two paths are non-verbal leaks.

Instinctively, we will try to reach out in any way we can. Some try to going for sad song lyrics or melancholic reminiscing, some try to show how awesome they are. Plans are made, circumstances are tweaked, and friends are harassed. Drastic measures can be taken. A grand gesture is basically a massive non-verbal leak. Leaks can beg for sympathy, make someone feel guilty, or delve too deep into the idea of love, etc. 

The Great Gatsby

It is especially easy in the modern world of social media. Not often do we do anything online really without hoping there is one person in particular that will see it, even sub-consciously. The option is always tantalisingly close and sometimes it isn’t always wrong. I’m not even prepared to say it doesn’t work. And not saying anything can sometimes be just as much of a leak. 

The point I am trying to make is to be careful. There are a million ways a leak can be taken (that came out wrong), and it is important to remember that. There are better ways of doing things, maybe involving a partial non-verbal approach, but one done the right way. Mostly sit down, think step by step where things went wrong and why, think especially hard on whether this person is actually right for us. Pen down a revolutionary list of world saving guidelines, figure out the best time, place and way to communicate again normally, knowing that it might not work out again no matter how brilliant we are. This might be the best way to a second shot, but in the end unless we have shown appreciable effort into figuring out where things went wrong the first time and showing why and how we want to change, the shot won’t be worth the taking.

The 7 Deadly Sins of Falling in Like: Private Parts

I really love this next sin and the concept of being classy. Hardly ever mentioned, but a key player in this whole concept of falling in like with someone, are private parts...

Private Parts

The Simpsons

This is a bit of a funny one and was actually the first one I stumbled upon, before I clicked to the idea of the sins. It involved cleavage and a slightly awkward moment. It was an interaction with something private and I recognised it immediately as a mistake and a throwback to former classlessness.  

This might be a bit of a childish sin. There is also a lot of circumstantial forgiveness mostly involving the trifecta of lips, room and state of undress. 
This, much like grand gestures, is just an unnecessary risk and a solid perk of a relationship. It is an important thing to remember, both in showing class, and being mature. Risking it with private parts is really more of an indication of how frivolously you are prepared to lose someone.

The Simpsons

If you missed the previous posts, here they are - enjoy!

Intro, Sympathy, Relationship Perks, Grand Gestures, The Word Love and Guilty Cornering

The 7 Deadly Sins of Falling in Like: Guilty Cornering

We all know that backing someone into a corner will inevitably result in them doing something crazy to try and get out of that corner...and so Guilty Cornering is the next topic of something to avoid when Falling in Like with someone. 

Guilty Cornering

Emotional blackmail is probably one of the most regularly broken sins. This is mostly because it can be extremely subtle, often reliant on the instantaneous way they feel about us at that moment, and is often about asking the same thing in different ways. 

“Would you maybe want to do something on Saturday, or maybe Sunday?”
If they are not sure they want to see us, then we’ve cornered them into both days, and anything cornered will naturally react badly. (As some homework think about better ways to ask the same question.)

Equally, making someone feel guilty about anything is just as bad. Again this comes down to grace, and a thick skin. The ability to see the good in every situation and focussing on that. As already mentioned, we are not the most important thing in their world, despite how amazing it would be for both if we were. However much they should want to, they don’t have to see us. Conversely seeing someone does not necessarily mean we are leading them on, if they are in a position to take each moment as it comes. There is discipline to be shown here, and real, not blind, courage by both parties.

"Maybe you could just give me a list, of all your ex's, just so
that I know who is going to beat my ass into the ground next."
- Scott Pilgram vs The World

If you missed the previous posts, click on the links to read them:
Intro, Sympathy, Relationship Perks, Grand Gestures and The Word Love

The 7 Deadly Sins of Falling in Like: "Love"

Love is the topic of our next sin. At some point in a relationship you say "I Love You". Say it too soon and you could scare your love interest away. Don't say it at all and maybe your love interest thinks you're not serious, when actually, you are. If you've missed the previous posts by this weeks Guest Poster, click the links to see what you've missed before you dive into today's post. Intro, Sympathy, Relationship Perks and Grand Gestures.

Breakfast At Tiffany's...

The Word Love

This is the most obvious mistake, and the most rookie error. Often sadly just a knee jerk reaction to how awesome we think someone is, catalysed by pretty much every song ever sung, every book ever written, every movie ever made and every play ever performed. Saying these words, or even hinting at the fact that it could one day become a reality is a deadly game to play. It might not even be that badly received with the borderline crazy ones, but more often than not will just back a person into a corner. They should never be used to try save something that is on its way out. 

There is no need to put too fine a point on this one. It should be obvious. Real love is kind of depressingly rare, and really is unshakable, found over a long time and together.

...slightly adapted to prove a point

The 7 Deadly Sins of Falling in Like: Grand Gestures

Grand Gestures is the topic of our third Deadly Sin of Falling in Like. Written by one of my good friends, he is the first guest poster on Practical Cookie. After all of his hard work, I decided to run these sins as a series of separate posts. I hope you're all enjoying them so far! Just so you don't get confused, my own comments are added in, in italics and brackets.

If you have missed the first few posts of the series, click on the links to see the Intro, Sympathy and Perks of a Relationship.

Beware of Grand Gestures

Touched on briefly (and purposefully) above, this is one of Hollywood’s great lies. Grand gestures should not really have a place in being in like. Playing their favourite songs outside their house, waiting for them in the rain, getting a flash mob involved, most of us will have had the ideas pouring through us  at some point when things have started going badly, or we don’t know how to move forward. 

The simple truth is that a grand gesture will only ever push them to the side of the fence on which they are already sitting. If they really like us then it will probably work out amazingly. If they are close to the fence or on the wrong side, then it will probably be soul destroying and ruin things more than we can ever imagine. It is a high risk move to play, mostly for our own hearts, and sometimes it is worth the risk to break through to them, even though there is an equal chance of ruining it forever. It is just that we should not have to risk so much. A grand gesture to someone you truly love, when they are not expecting it is so much more amazing than one for someone you are in-like with and who is perhaps preparing to deflect a bold move. (From a female perspective, Grand Gestures are either amazingly romantic or just plain stalker-ish. And as it's been pointed out here, the way that you interpret that Grand Gesture really does depend on what side of the fence you're sitting.)

The Notebook
An example of a Grand Gesture gone right...but imagine if she hadn't loved the guy.
I think that would have made for more of a horror story!

The 7 Deadly Sins of Falling in Like: Relationship Perks

In the Seven Deadly Sins of Falling in Like, sin number 2 is Perks of a Relationship. If you missed the other parts of the series, click on the links to see the Intro and Sympathy. 

Perks of a Relationship

There is so much excitement at the beginning of something new, there always should be, even if it is favoured more to the side of those in the right place to feel it. The risk is always of excitement becoming investment. There is such an important distinction to make between the two, and mistaking them for each other can cost us more than we know, whether we are the one in like or the one on the fence.

Seeing them off at the airport, meeting parents, getting random texts just mentioning how much they like you, getting them to come out and jump a battery or change a tyre (for the girls), getting bleak when they don’t call or message, sympathy, grand gestures, or whatever else. These are all perks of a relationship that does not exist. Expecting them, asking for them or being bummed about not getting any are perfect ways to freak a person out. It also takes away a bit of the mystery and reward of actually moving toward a relationship, even if it never gets there. 

It takes so much discipline to keep the mind in check. We have to be so careful about losing ourselves in the idea of someone, in the idea of what could be. It is so easy to forget that we aren't there yet, and more often than not, will never be. 


The perks should be held in mind as a reason for fighting on - they are all silver linings of the cloud we should be fighting for.

from the movie No Strings Attached

The 7 Deadly Sins of Falling in Like: Sympathy

The first of the 7 Deadly Sins can be found below. If you would like to see the introduction to these sins, click here and then continue reading below. I've added a few of my own comments in italics.

Sympathy

By this point we've all been hurt before, if not then you haven’t tried hard enough. We might even be sad about something legitimate, so few of us have all our ducks in a row. However tough it is though, appealing to someone new, a person who you've fallen in like with, for sympathy is dangerous. It is the wrong place to look, and in the end is a very humanising thing at a time when we have to be superhuman. Discipline should be spent on being a rock, albeit a funny, intelligent, charming and amazing one. 

Especially when meeting someone who is in a strange place themselves (being in like is a strange place sometimes) this is such an opportunity to be gracious, but not blasé. Grace, now that I finally begin to understand what it actually is, is one of the most amazing and truly heroic qualities to have. A part of it is the ability to understand someone’s needs, and happily put them before your own. 

Gaining sympathy of the one you like is comparable to fighting the world with a long-standing partner. Fighting the world together is something that must be earned. It is a perk of a relationship which has to be discovered together. Instead of appealing for sympathy from the one you like, instead battle through your condition bravely, accept where the other person is at and give them everything they need, while hoping, but not expecting, that they will slowly give you little bit by bit in return. It is meaningless and frustrating when people say you have to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else. This task is baffling, the path unclear, and the goal borderline impossible. What they really are trying to say is that it is only when we've learnt to rely on ourselves for getting through, that others will begin to see that strength and gravitate toward it.

"I'm a little more guarded...I guess it's because...I've been hurt before..."
Sean Colfax - Fired Up

The 7 Deadly Sins of Falling in Like: Intro

You may have noticed this picture come up on the Practical Cookie Facebook Page (if you didn't see this come up go and like the page to stay up to date with Practical Cookie Posts). And yes, it's true, Guest Posts are coming to Practical Cookie - in fact, they are starting right now!

A few months ago, after girl troubles had got him down, one of my mates was chatting to a group of us about his list of 7 deadly sins that you can commit when falling in like with someone. We thought it would be awesome to share this list with the world and decided that Practical Cookie would be a good platform for this. About a week ago he sent me the text version and I'm going to be sharing these sins over the course of the next few days, so keep an eye out for them.

And now, as typed penned by the writer himself, an introduction to:

The Seven Deadly Sins of Falling in Like

None of us are shallow. No matter how we might look on the surface there is a great swirling sea of emotion within all of us that will never be fully understood, controlled or influenced. 
I don’t necessarily want to go down the road of what drove me to start trying to understand the sins, and put them down. All I will say is that it turned out simply to be an answer I found within myself, to a question we have all faced. It was a self-reflection on the definition of insanity, of repeating the same mistakes and expecting a different result. They are some of the most important ideas I could ever figure out. Now that I have finished writing them I am kind of embarrassed by them, much like it becomes embarrassing to carry on using fingers and toes when we’ve learned to count, but the truth remains that thinking about them in this way is a good short cut to knowledge usually gained through a lot of heart ache. Some people understand these intrinsically, and it is easy to scoff. Some get lucky, and it is easy to be grateful. For the rest of us though, understanding this idea is paramount to no longer thinking that the world is against us, only ourselves. That idea is hopeful.

It started when two friends mentioned it was unattractive for guys to look for sympathy. With a smile I, quietly inside, realised in that moment that I was definitely guilty, had been at least, in my own justifiably small way.
I finally began to understand where among the convoluted mess of lines, so trivial to the rest of the world, I had gone wrong. I realised that maybe it might also be possible that I was guilty of other things and bit by bit these things grew into a list. 

In the end it was a list of seven mistakes to avoid when you have met someone new and found yourself in-like. It is a survival guide for that moment when you tragically figure out they are on the fence about you, maybe even fairly far on the wrong side. Conversely and in hindsight, it is also a guide to maintaining our own cool when we are not in the right place and giving people a chance to make mistakes without crucifying them for it. The world does not have to be so black and white.
It won’t help win someone over who isn’t right, but avoiding the sins will, in theory, let a person stay in a place mentally where they will give the other a real, appreciable chance. And I think that is all any of us really want. 

So, without further ado, or oxford commas, the list...